What Now Ch. 03

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This is the 3rd chapter of what I hope to be a 4-part series. Keep the comments coming please, they inspire me to continue! Happy reading!

Chapter 3 Levi

The one time I ever bottomed before Alex was with the one person, I thought I genuinely loved. Young love and lust, at its roots, could be all-consuming but at the same time artificial in its existence. Unfortunately for me, I was not fully aware of myself or had the experience to understand the difference between the two. In its consequence, my mind culminated a loving relationship that was beautiful at its surface but weak within its foundation.

I met Ethan when I was sixteen. We were both baseball players on our high school team and quickly became fast friends. His easy-going smile and boy next door good looks had me smitten from the very start. At that point in my life, I was truly starting to come to terms with my sexuality, and with the help of my mother, I was finally starting to love myself again.

I came out that very same year and Ethan was one of the few who stood by me in the wake. He was the shoulder I cried on, the person that I came to talk to, the one I reached for when I felt hurt from the insensitivities of my former friends. Even after facing the cold shoulders of my fellow teammates, he stood by me and reprimanded them whenever he saw the dejected look and hurt upon my face.

His tenderness touched me, and I quickly fell in love. It was on one such occasion that I sought his comfort that things stepped beyond the realm of friendship. Upon venting my pain, he leaned over and kissed me. There, at the cusp of my manhood and insecurities, did I have my first kiss with a guy. He held me, holding me close to him, his hands resting upon my waist as he showed me the intimacy I sorely needed.

It did not go further than that, as his parents came home. Non-the-less I was excited about what was to come. I went home after that day, giddy with excitement and hope. Only to be heartbroken when he did not answer my texts and started ignoring me at school.

It was after a week of his isolation that he sat down with me at lunch. He quickly apologized, saying that his kiss was just an attempt to make me feel better. He pushed on rapidly, starting to talk to me again as if nothing happened.

I should have known better at the time, but I quickly forgave, and we carried on as usual. He kept our friendship platonic, never once mentioning the kiss that set my mind on fire. In my naivety, I told myself I was simply happy to be in his presence, happy to be his friend in the very least.

It was our senior year in high school that things changed further. I had just turned 18 and I was starting to gain the confidence to explore my sexuality more with other guys. In my exploration, I met a classmate named Brian. He was in my history class and had recently come out the year before. He texted me one day wanting to know if I wanted to hang out. I was happy at the sudden prospect and of course, I told Ethan. He gave me a tight smile but said he was glad I found someone. I thought nothing of it.

Brian and I quickly became a bit of an item. He was not good looking in the most classical sense. He had a nose just a bit too large for his face, but he had beautiful brown eyes and a smile that was infectious. He was slightly smaller than me, but I found he was easy to wrap my arms around. What really had me hooked how he treated me. He acted like he honestly liked me.

I was kissing him in the halls one day during school when I hear a locker door slam shut. We jump apart and I noticed the back of Ethan walking away. I was confused. He did not answer any of my texts and he was once again ignoring me.

In my anger, I went over to his house that same day to confront him after baseball practice. I raged about him doing this shit again and wondered why he could not just be happy for me when he suddenly kissed me. Then kissed again after breaking apart. We threw our lips together, hands grasping each other’s bodies, this time neither of us wanting to withdraw. Our clothes rapidly shed, and my body was on fire. He pushed my shoulders down leading me to his pelvis, shoving his cock at my face. I wish I could say I took to cocksucking like fish to water, but I knew it was all clumsy fumbles despite my enthusiasm.

Afterward, he would not let me kiss him. He did smile at me, giving me a hug, which transformed my disappointment into happiness. He told me to get rid of Brian and due to my obsession with Ethan, I did just that. The next day I pulled Brian aside and told him I could not be with him. He was upset and confused but I could not give him a worthy explanation. He asked if it was Ethan and I vehemently denied it. I knew Ethan did not want to be outed as involved with a gay guy.

The next day I find out that Ethan started dating a cheerleader. I was crushed and went home early in emotional turmoil. My mom was given notice from the school that I departed early, and she came home at first angry bahçelievler escort at me for ditching school. Upon seeing my face, she quickly tried to get at the root of my sorrow. I wish I would have told her then, maybe it would have saved me some heartbreak.

Ethan texted and said to come over, please. I refused but he begged. In my naivety, I went over to his home telling myself that maybe it was all a mistake. He apologized saying it was just a cover. He could not be exposed as being with me and that it would not out well for us that way. He promised would soon come out when the time was right. He told me he loved me for the first time, and I forgave him in my joy at hearing those words.

It was during Christmas break that I gave him my virginity. After rubbing my cock, he pushed me over onto my stomach kissing my neck and shoulder. He asked if he could fuck me and I said yes. He quickly put on a condom and got some lube on my hole and on his dick before he pushed in. I cried out and told him to hold on and was thankful he did and that he was not too big. He got a little impatient after a while and pushed further.

I did not know about pushing out to help ease the pain of first entry nor about proper prepping. It was evident he did not know either as he started pumping away as soon as I relaxed a little. I gripped the comforter biting my bottom lip to hide my pain that seemed never-ending. Pleasure finally started creeping in and my cock started to harden again however, It was not too long after that Ethan came.

I was still hard when he rolled over off me and took off the condom. I rolled on my back and started stroking my dick when it was clear he was not going to help me out. I came using my hand in an unsatisfying orgasm.

He tossed me my boxers which I used to wipe off my own cum from my chest then my ass. I went to kiss him when I stood up, but he turned his head away. It was then I truly felt the tension in the room increase. “Maybe you should go,” he tells me.

I decided to give him time but texted him later the next day but got no response. He does not speak to me the rest of the break. He apparently is never home when I go over to talk to him. When school came again, I caught him making out with his cover cheerleader girlfriend. I go to him in my misery and he tells him to get away from him, that he does not want to hang out with some fag.

It was the classic case of out guy meets a closeted guy. Out guy falls in love with him. The closeted guy freaks out and breaks the heart of the other. Ladies and gentlemen, in his Oscar performance, is Levi, the out guy. He was truly devoted to his role.

That was when I started making my rules. It was then that I steeled my heart and solidified my resolve. I never wanted to be put in that situation ever again and I silently promised myself that no man would make me feel that way once more.

This promise woke me next to a still sleeping Alex, curled up flush behind me.

I somehow ease from the bed without waking him before I quickly and quietly skirted to my room. I hurry to throw on clothes, grab my car keys, and escape through the front door. I did not even realize where I was heading until I was nearing my mom’s house. She lived in the suburbs now that she could easily afford a nice home, lawn, and garden she always wanted. I was there that I saw her in her covetous garden when I pulled up into the drive.

She stands up upon hearing my car pull into the drive and gives me a confused smile. “Levi! I wasn’t expecting you, honey, why didn’t you tell me, and I would have done some more grocery shopping and made a nice meal!” she quickly comes over giving me a hug.

I hug her back not wanting to let go. I breathed in her familiar smell. She smelled like home, reminding me of the soft fragrance of lavender and earthy richness that favored her preferred soaps. When she was finally able to extricate herself, she held me out with her hands on my shoulders looking over my face

I had a fake smile on my lips that even I knew probably looked a bit strained.

“Oh Levi…” she speaks softly, and my face quickly crumbles betraying my fear and unease.

“Come in sweetie, the weeds can wait. I’ll make some cocoa.”

Cocoa was the drink she always used to make me feel better growing up and even though I was a grown-ass man I could never turn down my mom’s cocoa.

I quickly nod and she shuffles me inside telling me to sit at the kitchen table. Once there were two steaming cups of cocoa in front of us does she say anything.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” She says in a worried mom tone. I simply shake my head and put my head in my hands.

“I don’t think I can talk about this right now. Maybe in a little bit but I…” I trail off. She takes one of my hands in hers and gives it a squeeze. “Ok…for now…but when you are ready to tell me, you will.” She says sure of herself.

“Can I stay bakırköy escort here tonight ma?” I asked looking at her with pleading eyes. Her eyebrows pinched in even more concern and I silently beg her not to push. She must have read my face as she nods. “You know there’s a bedroom always made for you.”

I nod, shove away from the table. I pause before leaving the kitchen my back facing her. “Um, ma? Can you…can you not tell anyone I’m home…even…even Alex?” I ask hoping to keep my voice steady.

I had not turned back to look at her not wanting to see the look on her face, “Ok honey, but we are going to have that talk sooner or later honey.” She says after a pause and I nod.

I go up the stairs to the nicely decorated guestroom mom deemed as mine. I lay down, mind whirling. I look at the clock, Alex must be awake by now. My conscience brings guilt, but I quickly shove it away. I could not do this. I just cannot be with Alex. I told myself never to put myself in this exact situation. Never to allow my heart to hurt as it did with Ethan.

I roll to my side and curl up. I did not realize I fell asleep until I opened my eyes and saw the dimming light of the sun. The clock read 6 o’clock pm and my stomach grumbled. Next to me, my phone lit up. Huh, I was like 99% sure I left my phone at the apartment.

I turn it face down on the bedside table not wanting to face the screen, knowing it may be Alex that texted or called. Feeling like an asshole, I quickly leave the room following the sent of food to the kitchen. Mom had the oven going and was chopping up some vegetables. I moved to her cabinets and set the table and got a bottle of wine from the pantry.

“Alex came over,” mom said. I stop in my tracks setting the wine bottle down mid-pour. “I told him you were not home,” she said. I felt immediate relief and guilt.

“He dropped off your phone honey, said you left it behind, it was sweet of him to drop it off,” she says with a certain tone in her voice that said she was starting to get a clearer picture of what had me running home with a tail tucked between my legs.

“Honey…” She says but I stop her, “not now mom…please,” I say in a begging tone. She sighs and nods.

We eat dinner, mom started chatting away about her office politics, who was in bed with whom, about what secretary was caught in a supply closet with her boss, and so on. I silently thank her as it got my mind off my current situation. We retired to the living room when and she put on a classic movie and brought in some steaming popcorn. God, I loved this woman.

I ended up falling asleep again. I woke up with a blanket on me and the early morning sun peeking its way through the slatted blinds.

When I finally build enough courage, I make my way to my bedroom and pick up my slowly dying phone. I see multiple messages from Alex, Reggy, and Corey. Before I got the courage to read them, I went to my email and shot off a few emails to my professors stating a sudden illness and if they could send me my schoolwork. I send some messages to classmates who I knew would let me borrow their in-class notes. Fortunately, I had no scheduled exams or papers due that week.

I take a deep breath then start out with Corey’s messages.

“Hey Levi, Alex stopped by asking if you were here, is everything alright?”

“Dude, since when do you not answer your phone, the things practically glued to your hand lol”

“Ok, now I am worried, where the fuck are you! Alex is freaking out, he just called to see if you were actually here and I was just covering for you!”

“Alex said he saw your car at your mom’s?”

“Call me when you get this Levim please”

Reggy’s message was along the same lines as Corey’s. I bite my lip feeling bad for worrying my friends, I was also cursing myself for not realizing Alex would clearly recognize my car in the driveway and knew I was here and had my mom send him away. I quickly shoot Corey a text and tell him I am fine, and I just needed to spend some time at home.

It was only seconds after sending it do I get a reply. “Ok bud just let me know if you need anything ok, and you can always come to me if you need to,” he responds. “I know, thanks Corey, for everything,” I say in reply.

I hesitate before clicking on Alex’s message thread.

“Hey, baby you go for a run without me? When did you get up?”

“Babe, when you getting home?”

“What the hell Levi, why aren’t you answering your phone it’s been hours and Corey says you are not there”

“Baby just talk to me, did I do something?”

“Please I’m sorry if I did something, did I hurt you last night? I didn’t mean to hurt you!”

“I dropped off your phone. Your mom says you went on an errand. Baby just call me when you get this, please talk to me.”

There were a dozen missed calls from him. The last one from last night. I felt like a huge dick. Fuck I did not want him feeling başakşehir escort bad.

It takes me a solid 30 minutes trying to figure out how to word my text to him.

I finally texted after a ton of drafting and deleting, “Alex, you didn’t hurt me I promise. I just need some space, it’s nothing you did I promise. Just give me some time ok?”

Moments later he replies, “Ok just come back home soon.”

I do not immediately reply, I cannot reply because I do not even know how to stay true to the promise. I wanted to crawl under my covers and hide like I wanted to hide my heart.

“ok” I finally type out and heavily sigh.

The week was a blur of sleeping, completing assignments, and basically avoiding the issue. I knew I was doing it, mom knew I was doing it, as well as all my friends. It was not until Friday rolled around that my mom had enough.

“Levi Matthew Robertson! Get your ass up and open this door right the hell now!” She says outside my door. Oh shit, she busted out the full name. I quickly cross the room to my door and unlock it to find my mom standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. She does not wait for me to say anything before shoving her way in and quickly walks across the room. She sits down on the bed before patting the spot beside her giving me a pointed look.

As soon as I’m seated, she speaks

“He is not Ethan, Levi,” she says, and I open my mouth before I can get a word in she lifts her in a silencing motion.

“He is NOT Ethan; do you hear me. I know you are scared honey; I know you are baby, and I understand why.” She continues.

I sigh “I know mom I just…” I stop

She shakes her head “You are running away because you are afraid you will get hurt. Do you know that Alex calls me on my phone every day just to make sure you are doing ok? Do you know the first time he came over with your phone he looked like someone just kicked his dog? That is not a man who will use you and leave you like that rat bastard…” I stop her there with a chuckle

“Yea I get it mom, fuck, I know I ran I just didn’t want to face him. He’s my best friend mom, and I don’t want to lose him.” I say softly

“Sweetie, there is no way you are losing him as your best friend or as something more. He clearly cares a lot about you, but you must also realize that by running away you are the one creating the exact scenario that would lose him?”

I am silent at first knowing the truth of her words before I can let slip that, “Fuck, you are right.”

“Now I love having you here honey, you know I do, but you need to get your ass back to your apartment and you better do whatever it takes to make Alex forgive you.” She says in a stern voice than in a softer one she says, “make it right dear.”

I nod in acquiesce and she pushes further thoughtfully fingers rubbing her chin in contemplation, “You know roses wouldn’t hurt, maybe some chocolate?”

I laugh, “I don’t think he’s much of a roses type of guy.” She only shrugs and declares, “who knows?”

I buy roses and chocolates on the way to the apartment cursing my mom for making me feel silly. I have never been a wine and dine type of guy. More like a wham bam thank you kind of guy.

When I get to the apartment Alex was not there. I was relieved but then I had to sit on the couch in nervous anticipation.

When he walks through the door hours later, he does not notice me at first. When he does, he freezes while putting his car keys on the table taking in my strained-looking face then the roses and chocolates sitting in front of me.

“Levi,” he says softly as if he could not believe I was here.

My eyes take him in, it was then with the sudden tightness of my chest do I realize how much I missed him, I wanted him in my life, I had to make this right, “Alex…I’m sorry…fuck…I’m just so sorry.”

His gaze seemed earnest and tired as I watched his lip move as he told me, “You left the morning after Levi, if you didn’t want to do that again you just could have said,” he rushed the ending starting to look angry.

What could I say? “Fuck man…I know that! I just needed to go, I panicked ok!” my eyes pleaded with him to understand.

“But why did you panic!? It just me Levi! I know you… it’s we…us! Even though we don’t do relationships babe it’s still just you and me. I thought we were different.” He pleads looking stressed.

“We are Alex, we are different, and that why…” I reply in anguish trailing off, “I can’t” I say.

“Why did you leave?” he replies softly searching my face.

I put my head down “I don’t know.” I say wincing at my lie

“Fuck that dude, you know how worried I’ve been, I thought, I don’t know what I thought but I felt like I lost you, Levi! You owe me an explanation.”

“I was scared” I finally admit. He comes tentatively closure before he straightens his shoulders and marches to me. He sits right next to me as he puts his hands on my shoulders and physically turns me towards him.

“Talk,” he says.

I stare into his determined eyes, they were are beautiful as ever but there was evidence that the last week was not a peaceful one. The bags under his eyes, the unkempt hair, the tired look all gave me the courage to tell him what I needed to. I did this to him, and I needed to fix it. I told him about Ethan.

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